Brainyites with Richard D Waldman

[00:00:03] Hi, I'm Dr. Russell Thackeray and welcome to Resilience Unravelled, a podcast with new ideas, new thoughts and new thinking about resilience. Guests with remarkable stories, products and services that can really power up your own mindset and resilience. You can also go to our site for more information, to ask questions or to access some of our resources at resilienceunravelled.com. Let's get started.

[00:00:33] Hey, hey, hey and welcome back to Resilience Unravelled. And in front of me, resplendent in black, as you can all see with a selection of goodies arrayed around the screen is my guest, Richard D Waldman. So first of all, hello, Richard. How are you? Excellent, Russell. Thank you for having me. And where in the world are you? Where am I? I'm located in Cape Coral, Florida, right across the river from Fort Myers. Oh, yeah. Yes, I know.

[00:01:03] Well, oh, you do. You've had all those hurricanes and things. It's difficult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we do. I've been here about 10 years. I moved here from California, Southern California. Very good. Well, tell me a bit about what it is that you do. What I do? Well, I'm a life coach, clinical pastor. It's been kind of a, how do I say, a zigzag type of thing.

[00:01:24] I've always enjoyed working with the human condition. And a good part of my professional life, I was in professional education. I got involved with creating CE, meaning continuing education classes for three different industries, for the realtors, attorneys, and stockbrokers. Well, during this, one thing led to another. I was doing a presentation for a company.

[00:01:48] And afterwards, an individual came up. He said, I'm a coach here for the company. And he says, you do a lot of coaching when you talk. And he says, are you into it? I said, well, not formally. But so I started thinking more about it. And I ended up going to quote a coaching class that spurred me. And as I got more involved, Russell, well, you might say I'm a scientist at heart.

[00:02:14] I love science. And years ago, I heard a scientist say, he was an astronomer. He says, we scientists live for questions. We live for questions because when we're able to solve a question, get an answer, generally, we have five more questions. So that always stuck with me. And as I was working and whatever, doing my programs, questions started popping up.

[00:02:39] For example, why is it that we can be so extraordinary and at the same time, confuse self-serving and destructive? Or simpler yet, why is it we're the only life form on the planet that destroys itself? So I thought, wait a minute, this shouldn't be too hard to answer, given that every person on this planet suffers at some degree. At some time or another, we have this thing, this chatter going on inside of our head.

[00:03:05] So that prompted me to pursue this. And I thought, maybe I can figure this out. Because when I was creating classes, they would come to me and they would use it for marketing. But, you know, I don't know retirement plans, but I had to, you know, get involved with their material. And, you know, how do you want to use it? And I would also teach them how to teach the class, which was a Socratic, ask questions instead of giving people the answers. So I've enjoyed doing this. So I started asking myself these questions.

[00:03:35] And so as I began to develop some of this stuff, I thought, well, wait a minute, maybe there's a connection between our intelligence and the fact that we are so destructive. One thing led to another, and I was doing my reading of whatever, my due diligence. And then I heard one of the authors of the books, he was talking about our self-image, how it drives much of what we do.

[00:04:01] And then I began thinking, well, wait a minute, I didn't create the image in my head of who I think I am. My brain dead. Okay. And what about our nighttime dreams that are chaotic and nonsensical? Do we play a role in that? Of course not. And science says we have over 6,000 thoughts a day. Do we consciously think up each thought? No, we don't, do we?

[00:04:26] So I'm going, well, wait a minute. Our brain has the ability to create on its own. In other words, our brain has a brain. Okay. And it leads us out of the equation. So that's what started me. Then I started, as more reading, I got involved. I'm also, I'm not religious, but I enjoy scripture. Because many of the principles that we practice today, psychology, is an extension of yesterday's theology.

[00:04:56] For example, you take the story of Adam and Eve. We all know that story, the Garden of Eden. And then I'm going to think, well, wait a minute. What if the Garden is the universe? And the, you know, the tree of life and the tree of good and evil? That has to do with the fact that our personality has evolved in more than one direction. We've got a side that moves us forward and a side that holds us back.

[00:05:20] And then, you know, that little serpent that comes into the garden and tells them, here, take a bite of the forbidden fruit? Well, that's the chatter in our head. That's a metaphor for that. So all of a sudden, the story of Adam and Eve took on a greater meaning. And then, in the very end, you know, Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden for judging, blaming, hiding, and not being accountable. Russell, what's changed? Nothing. We're still judging. We're still blaming. We're still hiding.

[00:05:49] And we're still not accountable. And then question comes, why is it we're so resistant to change? I mean, you look at the universe, it's always doing three things. It's always creating. It's always changing. But it's always in order. But we are. So this, then the pieces started coming together. And I developed what was called the, you see this, the order to life. Because I develop a metric because we go through this. Well, how we need to be able to distinguish what moves us forward and what holds us back.

[00:06:19] So that's how all these things started to develop. And I've gotten more and more involved with the mental health aspect. And it's going very well because people now can relate to this. If you, if you, if you, I don't care what the mental illness or disorder can be. The strategy to deal with or manage is, well, it's all the same. You know, it starts off with, you know, cognitive behavior. You talk to this. You eat right. You sleep well. And all these things.

[00:06:46] But it doesn't get into the mechanics of what's going on inside of our heads. And without knowing that, how do I manage it? You can't. So all of a sudden, all this stuff started to go together. And that's what I teach. That, hey, our brain is a chaotic and nonsensical place. It is not our best friend. It creates on its own. And much of it creates, takes, wants to take us in the wrong direction. That's shattered. And we follow it. And then we wonder why we're in trouble. Why life isn't working.

[00:07:15] Why we're angry, upset, and depressed. So it's worked out very well because people can now, because my whole purpose was developing something that was easy to understand, that was transferable. In other words, you, the student, could now be the teacher. And it works. And that's how I kind of, in a short, in a word or two, how I kind of got where I am.

[00:07:40] And this right now is what I'm pursuing, showing others that you can control your life a lot better by knowing what's going on inside of your head. Okay. Right. Well, let's unpack that a bit, shall we? Sure. So first of all, you talked about the brain taking us the wrong direction. So what is the wrong direction? The wrong direction. Okay.

[00:08:05] The, the ultra self, Sigmund Freud calls it the ego, which is Latin for I, meaning the self. And what I determined was that the self is judgmental by nature. That's its nature. And what is judgment is the most horrific, how do I say, state of mind we can have? Because it's impossible to have a negative state of mind without first being judgmental. And what does judgment do when we judge each other?

[00:08:35] It sets up a wall. If I'm judging you, I don't, I don't want to get to know you. I'm just, you know, for whatever reason, we judge each other for, you know, who we are, where we came from, what we are, how we speak, the clothes we wear, whatever it may be. But here again, humanity is judgmental by nature. And we can change the world right here, Russell. Right here, right now. If we did two very simple things.

[00:09:04] If we started supporting each other instead of judging each other. Okay, so let me leap in. Because you use the word judging a lot. I do. So you better tell me what you mean by judging. Because, of course, what you're describing here is people looking at difference. Because actually, you know, we're hardwired to look for difference because what's not like us may be a threat. So that's a system that's built over many years to protect us. So what do you really mean by judging?

[00:09:30] What I mean by judgment is something that's prejudicial. Judgment, okay, let me back up. Reasoning is a form of judgment. But reasoning moves us forward. I'm not judging you in terms of where you came from. I don't like your background. I don't like the clothes you wear. I don't like anything about you because I'm a prejudice. You know what I mean? And so I don't want to get to know you because I don't like you. I don't like your kind. And here's the other thing.

[00:10:00] The ego has four needs. And this is important. Four needs that it wants us to fulfill, which we do. One is the need for us to promote the image in our head of who our brain thinks we are to the world. Okay, showed up in the story of Adam and Eve when your eyes are open. That's what the alter self does. It makes us feel wise and all these other things. Two, the need to control.

[00:10:28] The need to be right. And lastly, the need to never, never, never be accountable. So those four, project the image, be right, have control, but never be accountable. So that's, we've been educated to live that through that part of our personality. That's why we don't change. That's why we are the most destructive life form on the planet. But we don't see this. We don't understand this.

[00:10:55] And so that's part of my mission to help clarify what all this is about. Because if we can start supporting each other instead of judging each other, then we have the ability to change things in a big way. Okay, that makes sense. But judging people is an important skill because actually we have to judge people for all sorts of different things. We have to judge the quality of someone, their character, whether they're safe, whether you can trust them.

[00:11:26] Of course. Whether they have agency, whether they have accountability. Would you trust someone who isn't accountable? I mean, there's a lot going on at the moment, which is people are judging people by their actions and their impugning motives and motivations around people's actions. I'm not saying, I mean, you've just mentioned judgment such a lot that I'm just really unpacking it a bit because I'm sure you'll move on to how we avoid all this.

[00:11:50] But I guess what I'm trying to get through to is judgment is just a thing, isn't it? And what you're saying is you're ascribing like a negativity to it. But I'm just pushing back and saying maybe you're using a different word to think about positive judgment. So if I'm looking at you saying, I'm not judging your background. In effect, I am because I'm taking the decision not to judge you. So I am already judging you. So I'm just trying to figure, because you sort of brought judgment out to be a negative thing, which is fine.

[00:12:19] I completely accept that. But what is a positive form of judgment? Is it just acceptance? Exactly. I mean judgment from the point of, I'm talking about being destructive. Yeah. I mean, another beat. I don't like you, you know, where you came from. Well, I get that. That's destructive. But it's those kinds of things. It's not sure we judge each other. You know, I might have to judge the quality of a book. But that's more reasoning. I'm not being destructive. I'm being constructive. Yeah. That's the difference. Yeah.

[00:12:48] So we're talking about almost the difference between visceral reaction and reasoned logic. That's the distinction you're drawing, is it? Exactly. It's like these sort of unconscious biases that we have. Correct. Exactly. Well, we've been educated to be this way. We've been educated to live through that part of our personality. It doesn't work. That's why our lives, for the most part, don't work. Yeah. And look, I'm a big fan of accountability. Yeah. I think. And of course, for me, accountability is a big form of learning as well, which is, you

[00:13:17] know, which is really great, especially in terms of resilience. So I'm always interested in people who are talking about the way that we think and the way we use better use of our brains. So you're saying that there is a better way of looking at the world. So maybe take me through that a little bit. You mentioned something about a set of, I forget what you called them, a set of steps or an order of thinking or something? Well, I thought, yeah, there's an order to everything. The universe has an order to it.

[00:13:45] Everything has an order to it that's functional. So I thought, well, how can I express this order in a way that's meaningful that people can relate to and they can use when, you know, they started kind of veering off course or, okay. So I came up with four items that move us forward and four that hold us back. And the four that move us forward are in the circle. It begins with awareness. Aware of what? Aware that our personality has evolved in more than one direction.

[00:14:14] Two, to stay present. To take our attention out of the future where fear resides, out of the past where regret is alive and bring it into the present moment. The present moment and the chatter in our head cannot exist at the same place at the same time. So if I'm having a hard time, but what am I doing? Well, if you can bring it into the moment, it quiets the chatter. Number three, making a conscious choice.

[00:14:43] Thinking through, thinking through what we might create for ourselves if we act upon our current thinking. Okay? Many times we just react and we come up with the consequences because we don't really think it through. And lastly, it's connecting. Connecting with what we are meant to do. There's a biblical saying I love. And it goes like this, Russell. If you bring out what is within you, what you bring out will save you. If you do not bring out what is within you. Say that again? Just so again.

[00:15:12] If you bring out what is within you, whatever that is, what you bring out will save you. I see. If you do not bring out what is within you, what you do not bring out will destroy you. You may want to do something and, hey, Richard, I just thought about doing this and that. I go, Russell, you can't do that, Russell. You don't have any money. You don't have the right thing. Forget it. Okay? And so once again, he's back to supporting each other instead of judging each other.

[00:15:40] So and then we got the four that holds us back. And it starts with judgment that works in conjunction with the chatter in our head that is judgmental by nature. And what gives us the power is the evidence. In other words, the chatter in your head always has the evidence. Russell, you failed before. What makes you think you're going to be successful this time? And the hope that we will react. And we do react, which is why we live outside of the circle, outside of the realm that moves us forward.

[00:16:11] So the first one's judgment. What are the other three? Sorry, I was just busy writing them down because I wanted to. No, well, it's on my website. I have what's called steps one and two. It explains all this. I see. Yeah. Yeah. The outside, it begins with judgment. The words going around in the circle works in conjunction with the chatter in your head. Yeah. And the body is collecting the evidence. And so we will react. And when we react, it keeps us where we are.

[00:16:39] See, the chatter in our head has a subliminal, has a goal, actually. And it's to keep us where we are. That's why we don't change. Because people think, well, that's who I am. That's who I've got to be. No, it's not who you are. That is not who you are. And that's interesting to say, because actually what you're saying is not all brains are the same. Not all brains can have the same chatter because there are successful people. And what's interesting about your theory is that it's actually quite anti-religious in a way, isn't it?

[00:17:07] Because most religions assume that you've already been judged and found wanting. And that original sin idea. It's interesting you used Adam and Eve when the concept of original sin. And so it's interesting. So it's a very humanistic sort of way of thinking about the world. Very much so. And the lessons have been there for thousands of years, but we're not paying attention to them. You know, people will say, for example, I also work with pastors and ministers.

[00:17:37] I meet Christians, if you will. Or I see them approach me and do you believe in Jesus? Yeah. I said, do you? I said, do you believe in Jesus? Yeah. God, are you doing what Jesus told us to do? He told us there's a first thing we should do. Are you doing that? I don't know. You don't know what it is, but you believe? He said, seek the kingdom first and it will be added to you. Well, you seek the kingdom, right? No. Do you know what the kingdom is? No.

[00:18:07] But you said you were a follower of Jesus. How can that be? And so, you know, and I came up, actually, real quick, if I could, I, because I started asking myself, well, what is the kingdom of God, if someone asked me? And I wrote, here's what I came up with. Picture an intercom so complete that nothing is wanting. There are no internal or external conflicts.

[00:18:31] It's a nonjudgmental state that's passionate about creating, open to change, and an order where all things are added to you. In other words, it's the, how do we say, it's the law of attraction. Right. Yeah, exactly. When you're doing the right things, you're supporting mankind around you, it flows back to you. People are attracted to that. You know, they want to be around people they can learn from and who support them.

[00:19:00] You know, all these kinds of things. So there's so much more that we can do that's simple and easy. We just don't do it. Yeah, it's fascinating, actually, because it's interesting you talking about that state that you're describing to a specific religion. And a lot of people just call it karma or inner karma or inner peace or whatever it might be, sort of Buddhist, karmic state. But what you're saying is that people, so you can imagine a very, very successful criminal,

[00:19:27] a mass murderer or something along those lines, being highly effective at that because he has conquered his thoughts and he's not judging. He's just being successful in his own might. So you don't bring, you're not bringing in a moral point to this. I'm not talking about religion. I'm just talking about morals. You're not linking that in anywhere to this. So I find that quite interesting. Well, here's the thing. Most of us, Russell, at any given point in time, most of us know what we should be doing.

[00:19:56] We know this. If I'm overweight, I know I shouldn't be eating this stuff. I know I shouldn't be. I know I should be nicer. I know these things, but we don't do them. Why? Because the chatter in our head wants to keep us apart. It wants to control us. Because a lot of it can control us. It's going to keep us where we are. So what about the people that can't hear spoken, you know, audio images in their head? Because lots of people can't see visual images. Lots of people can't hear that.

[00:20:26] So what you're saying is that chat is still going on, even though you can't hear it. Oh, yeah, it's going up because we haven't learned to listen. Now, when I get involved with coaching, I've yet to hear one person say, Richard, I don't know what you're talking about this chatter. When I bring it up, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I know what it is. Yeah, everyone knows what it is. I've never had one person say, what are you talking about? Well, 20% of humans can't hear their inner voice. So, you know, that's quite a well-worn statistic.

[00:20:54] But your view is that the chatter is going on, even if you can't hear it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But there must be a point to the chatter that otherwise the brain – because I think about how energy-hungry our brain is, and it's the most energy-hungry sort of thing in our bodies. Everything it does – I mean, you're saying it doesn't have a point, but I would subscribe that everything its brain does does have a point, otherwise it wouldn't use the energy that way, but using it somewhere else. So why is that chatter there?

[00:21:23] Because there must be a point to it. Well, okay, our brain communicates with us. It talks to us in a language we can understand. But unfortunately, it's wired in a negative manner, okay? Going back, just to back up a little bit what you were saying, our greatest mental asset is our imagination. Our greatest mental process is staying curious. If you're able to use that imagination but yet have the curiosity to –

[00:21:52] you might be able to do something here. But many times I talk to people, yeah, but I'm not curious. Or I'm curious, but I'm not very good at thinking things up. But when you start talking about these things and start making it part of your – how do I say – how you operate, you start becoming more aware of these things. But there again, we protect what we value.

[00:22:17] And we always need to be in a position to question what we value or think we value. Yeah, interesting. So you've written a book called A Better Way of Thinking, and I know that because I can see it right in front of me, as we all can, for those of you looking on the video. So you've obviously written this, obviously, to encapture your ideas. But who did you write it for? Who was your sort of target audience? Well, I enjoyed writing it. And it's like it was – I wanted to write a book that reflected how I think

[00:22:47] and the things that I'm bringing to the table because I think they have value. But there again, they've got to be relatable. If someone reads this, I don't even understand what the hell you're talking about. You know what I mean? So it's understandable. It's relatable. And they can then start – how do I say? Sift things out. What is it that they really value? And are those values serving them or are they holding them back?

[00:23:13] So we're kind of getting a little more granular as we start digging down a little bit. And I find people become more and more curious for the most part. And there's some people that, you know, hey, get me out of here. I have no use for this. You know, there's no way in hell I'm going to change. Or I've had people say, you know, Richard, I'm afraid of change. And I've had this before. I go, what do you mean? Well, I'm seeing now what you're talking about is wellness.

[00:23:42] And I think if I start acting this way, people are going to be requiring more things than me. They're going to be asking me to do more things. And I don't want that in my life. And so you've got this yin and the yang kind of going on too. That's okay. Well, actually, while you're pausing for a second, so you've written this book. If I buy it, what am I going to find out? Well, you're going to find a number of things. You're going to find out that we have a – how do I say?

[00:24:12] Our personality has evolved in more than one direction. There's one side that moves us forward. It's aware, present, make conscious choices, and connecting. The other one isn't judgmental, shatter, collecting the evidence. Okay? So now I can start – you know, people – you know, we're judgmental, but we're not aware of being judgmental. See, that's the thing. But when we start paying attention to it, all of a sudden these pieces start falling into place.

[00:24:40] And we start going, you know, I see why I'm this way. Because, yeah, I'm fearful of this. But – and then I realized that the fear is not founded. But it only wants to keep me away from what it is I want to do. You know, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm afraid of being belittled or whatever it is. So it's about developing, you know, people finding their own within themselves and know they have the confidence that they can get out there and that the only way they're going to be heard is they allow it

[00:25:10] or they think they're being heard. But so all these little things are at work that we don't really think about. Yeah, I am afraid. Yeah, I am this way. That's what I never thought about. My mom's that way. My dad's that way. My family's that way. We inherit all this stuff. We're around it all the time. Okay? And we normally – we pack it into our personality. So where – if I want to buy the book, where would I find it? It's on Amazon.

[00:25:39] I've heard of Amazon. Have you? That's a very well-known place. And if people want to find out more about you, Richard, where should they find out more about you? Well, I've got a simple website, and it's www.brainiites.com. And they can learn – I've got a couple of videos there that – how do I say – outlines some of the laws that I'm talking about, how we operate. And then the circle. I call the order to life. I go through that.

[00:26:09] So people then can understand, you know, what moves them, what doesn't, you know, my judging, you know, all these kinds of things. And so it just makes things more meaningful. And then when we have meaning, then we can start thinking about change. Or, you know, my life is – but, you know, I want this. But I've been afraid because I was – you know, I was worried about being judged. Or if I do – people might want more of me. Or all these little fears, you know, pop up.

[00:26:36] So people started really beginning – and this goes on until we're in the grave. We're always thinking, you know, all these kinds of things are going on, you know, and sometimes become tested. But it's – when people get into it, they're fascinated by it because they're really learning about themselves in a way that they've never consciously thought about it. Brilliant. Well, I'm going to get myself a copy and see – have a read of it and see where it comes up.

[00:27:04] So we've been talking to Richard D. Waldman. And the book is A Better Way of Thinking, as I've heard, available on Amazon. And brainyites.com is the website. Richard, you've been a force of nature and very enjoyable to talk to. So thank you for spending time with me today. I love it. No, I love it. And you're doing a great job. But I really appreciate you allowing me this opportunity, Russell. I really appreciate it. You take care.

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