Paul Doughty - Overcoming Childhood Trauma and Building Resilience

[00:00:03] Hi I'm Dr Russell Thackeray and welcome to Resilience Unravelled, a podcast with new ideas, new thoughts and new thinking about resilience. Guests with remarkable stories, products and services that can really power up your own mindset and resilience. You can also go to our site for more information, to ask questions or to access some of our resources at www.resilienceunravelled.com. Let's get started!

[00:00:32] Welcome back to Resilience Unravelled and I'm delighted to be joined by Paul Doughty today from Over the Pond. How are you today Paul? Dr Russell, I'm doing well. How are you doing? I'm good. Where in the world are you? Tell me a bit about where you are. Yeah, I'm in a town, a coastal town called Situate, Massachusetts. It's about 20 miles south of Boston. Beautiful part of it. Are you still lobster territory up there?

[00:00:57] Yes, yeah. There are lobster traps right in front of the house and I often take my canoe out there and see if I can catch any, but the only thing I've caught are crabs. Oh, brilliant. All right then. Okay, tell us a bit about yourself and Paul.

[00:01:15] Yes, I grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It's in the Midwest. And I grew up there with a small family. We had a bunch of aunts and uncles around, but I grew up with two sisters and my parents. It was a normal family from the outside. It looked like the perfect family. My father was a football coach and well-engrained in the community. My mother was a dance teacher and a choreographer and taught a lot of students that were in the neighborhood and around the town.

[00:01:44] And my sisters were baton twirlers and traveled competitively. It looked like the perfect family from the outside. I'm suspecting that it wasn't. No, not at all. I experienced childhood domestic violence from the age of four to 12. And not until my parents divorced did that end.

[00:02:05] And but then from the age of 12 to 18, I was unsupervised because my parents weren't around. So it was quite a traumatic childhood event. Yes. So let's talk a bit about that, because obviously the effects of that at such an early age are quite troubling for a lot of children. When you say you weren't supervised, what does that mean? You're living somewhere else.

[00:02:29] Yeah. As after my parents divorced, my my father wasn't around. He was around the area, but I didn't see him much. And my mother wasn't. Again, as I mentioned, she was in kind of theater and in the choreographer. And so that took her out of the house a lot. She had a lot of rehearsals, which meant late nights at the studio. And then they would go out and drink and have fun after the after either the rehearsal or the shows.

[00:03:00] And and my father didn't like that. He sat at home and drank himself until my mother came home. And then the shit hit the fan, if you will. And we knew it was going to happen. But how it affected me is there was one incident when I was about four or five years old that impacted me until my whole life. What it was, I saw my father pick up a half gallon glass milk jug. I was five years old. I peeked around the corner because I heard an argument.

[00:03:29] He picked it up and smacked my mother over the head with it. My mother fell to the ground. My uncle was in the room. He said, hey. And as my mother laid their motionless at five years old, I thought she was dead. Yes. I really blacked out from their flight, price or freeze. I froze for 30 years.

[00:03:48] And what that did was after my father left at the age of 12, my mother was doing shows and she was quite honestly living with a priest. Right. She was doing shows with a singing and dancing priest. She was a a a judge in a Miss America pageant. And apparently this priest was a judge as well. And they met during this Miss America pageant.

[00:04:16] And then she started teaching him or and then she never came home. She stayed with him and moved from rectory to rectory. And we didn't see her. We would call and he wouldn't let her. He wouldn't let us talk to her. So she went from a physically abusive situation to an emotionally abusive situation. And I found out that it's generational.

[00:04:44] My grandfather was abusive to his wife and a whole family, the kids and all. And my mother and she was the actual the golden child, my mother of the family. So she didn't get any of the abuse. But I found out just recently because I've been opening up and talking about this. My cousin called me and said, wasn't just your family. Our family was abusive as well. So it was generational and it was hard to break. And I always wondered why my family never did anything.

[00:05:14] And now I know because it was normal. It was. And I think people don't understand that that they don't understand that they don't understand that it's a lot to do with the the era as well. Often, certain areas have a different approach to child rearing and child bringing up. And some people think there is no problem with hitting a child, especially with physical force. I'm not talking about the sexual abuse side of things, which is something I get to deal with a bit more in my line of work.

[00:05:38] But that physical abuse for some people, even when I was a youngster, people would say, oh, just give them a clip along the lug. Kick them up the bum. Phrases like that. Physical abuse was the way you dealt with people, especially boys. Now, it's obviously when it's been taken out on a woman, it's another level, isn't it? But it is troubling how for certain generations it was the norm. And it's no surprise to bump into other people who have the same experience. We're not condoning it, but it's not a surprise, is it?

[00:06:06] I think the challenge is and what's interesting about what you're doing is in speaking out about it. It allows the thing to come out from under the stone, under the rock, isn't it? Yeah, I'm trying to break the cycle. I'm trying to break that cycle of not speaking up. And that's what I talk to when I do my speeches and I talk to young adults. I talk about speaking up because we never did. We never asked for help. We did ask for help. There was one time my father was chasing my mother around the house with a knife and my sister finally called the police.

[00:06:35] But this was 1970, 72, and the police didn't do anything. They considered domestic violence a private matter back then. Yeah. And it's actually, I'm just trying to think how even now today, I think police don't like to get involved in domestic abuse or domestic violence or civil cases for all sorts of different reasons. They're very difficult, very complex. And they're not the solution either. They're a deterrent and they can remove someone from the situation. But by the time you're calling the police, it's just gone too far, hasn't it?

[00:07:05] It's gone too far. Yeah. It's amazing how this was, what, 50 some years ago. Yeah. And it really hasn't changed that much. It's a shame that the abuse that these children and these women and some men that are what they're facing, it's a shame that our society at this day and age is still archaic when it comes to domestic violence and abuse. And a lot of people condemn it.

[00:07:33] And I've heard talk quite recently about saying the only, we've got this weak generation with very little resilience. The way to deal with them. I'm not, this is not my view, but I've heard it in the press recently. The way to deal with them is to toughen them up, go back to corporal punishment, go back to hitting people, swatting people. It didn't do me any harm. That old litany. Yeah. You have to question it. You have to question it when it's not working. Yeah. Right.

[00:08:02] You have to question what can we do. Yeah. And the only thing we can do is do what we're doing is talk about it and to make people aware and to let them know that they're not the only ones that may have gone through something like this. Yeah. There is a way through it. And that's interesting because a lot of youngsters either have been built mental strength to be able to get themselves through it or to develop that mental strength through guidance or learning or whatever that might be. Which, what was your solution to that?

[00:08:33] Yeah. It's a great question. What was my strength that kept me going? Because in what it was, I kept myself involved. I didn't self-isolate. Because most of the time when we're depressed and we're down and we're in that dark space, we tend to self-isolate, which just makes things worse. Yeah. And what I did was I kept going. And as an example, after my father left, I was playing youth football.

[00:09:00] And in sixth, seventh and eighth grade, I walked to practice one mile each way for three years.

[00:09:07] And that was where my resilience started, because if I wouldn't have gone to practice and made that decision, I know I wouldn't be speaking here today because that involvement helped me develop character and some valuable life skills and self-confidence and self-esteem that I would not have had if I wouldn't have played sports or been involved in anything. It doesn't need to be sports in particular.

[00:09:34] I think that's interesting is that having that sort of structure, that having that sense of a rules-based thing where people come together and collaborate and such, that gives you a sense of purpose sometimes. My background was in the arts and I think it's similar. It's the arts, the sports, organized activities or getting in with a good group of people, especially younger boys and their teens. The peer group becomes really important, isn't it? Oh, most definitely. And that's what holds us back in some ways, too, is our peer group, right?

[00:10:03] Because I remember being so embarrassed that I didn't want to say anything about it. And it's always social judgment, especially now in these days, in this day and age with AI and everything, everything's perfect. Everybody's worried about how they'll be judged and they'll be judged with somebody or something that they have a problem.

[00:10:22] And I think it's social justice that holds back a lot of people, a lot of teenagers and even adults from reaching out and asking for help because they don't want to be labeled as somebody that has a problem. Yeah. And it's often being in the sporting environment or the arts environment, people notice, they notice, they reach out, they look after you, they see there's an issue, they provide guidance, provide coaching, mentorship, all those sorts of things.

[00:10:50] And often that gets people back on the right path, doesn't it? It allows people to understand that sometimes having a different person to talk to means that the normalization of violence that they've had in their own lives isn't normal everywhere else. And that's really important, isn't it? Yeah, very much that structure that comes with being in and being involved. And you have to solve problems when you're involved. How am I going to get to practice? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that?

[00:11:17] So you learn problem solving skills when you're involved. So, yeah, the structure and just the ancillary skills that you learn from just being there and being involved is what saved me. And it's critical to develop these skills for later on in life. Yeah. And did you go into a normal work pattern or did you go to higher education after going through this period? How did that pan out? Yeah, that's a great question because I was going through the motions. I was on autopilot. As I said, I was on freeze.

[00:11:46] I was on autopilot until 30 years old, until I took act 35. But yeah, I was functioning in society. I was I went to college, although I as an example, I liked my physics class in high school. So I'll major in physics. My sister went to a teaching school for teachers. I went there to no thought, no consultation. Right. I was just doing it. And it would and it continued.

[00:12:13] I played rugby in college and then I played for 12 years after that. And and during that time, I was in a dark space. I was doing a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs. And I ended up getting married again. Just that's what's next. Right. And that's what I'm supposed to do. So I married a high school friend and had two children with her. And did I end up walking out? I ended up walking out.

[00:12:38] And that was the beginning of my change, because I knew at that point that I had to do something because I was in a bad spot and I was lost. And so you were numbing your defense self as part of your defense strategy, because that's what a lot of people don't they? But it's interesting, though, that I talked to a lot of guests on here and they often talk about a point, a trigger point, something that's in the body or they hit this thing at the bottom. I hit rock bottom.

[00:13:07] Or they say they wake up one day and say they have this overwhelming sense of like reality. Oh, my goodness. Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? And it's interesting how long it takes. But it is also interesting that there's this sort of a sort of a and I don't know what the phrase is, but it's a point, isn't it, where reality intrudes? Isn't that the truth? Yeah, there was a point that I knew that, as I said, I had to do something.

[00:13:34] And what I did at 35 years old is I said I walked out on my wife and kids. And the day that I told my kids that I was leaving, as I said, I was in it. I was in it for 30 years. So I was assigned to a project in Cleveland. Again, I was living in Pittsburgh. And when I went to the project site in Cleveland, it was right next to a church. So I went over to mass at lunch hour a few times and ended up writing a letter to the priest and meeting with the priest.

[00:14:03] And the letter was I just left my wife and kids. I'm going through this change. I'm in this dark place with drugs and alcohol. And he said, just pray. He said, just pray. What is it that you want from me right now? Oh, Lord. OK, so I left with that. And so a couple of months later, I'm sitting at a bar, drowning my sorrows. And it's busy. There's patrons everywhere, a couple of bartenders serving. And there's a DJ playing music behind me.

[00:14:29] And I look at this bottle of vodka behind the bar and I say to myself, what is it that you want from me right now? Oh, Lord. And soon as I said that, the DJ behind me said, yes, that is God. I didn't turn around to look. I didn't need to. I knew he was talking to me. And then there was a couple other things that just continued to happen, because what I did was I broke down those barriers that I was hiding behind.

[00:14:53] And when I started to go through counseling at 35 and these things started to happen, my mother had given me a book called 101 Ways to Transform Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer. And he's it's a compilation of many of his writings. And I started reading this book. So this information going through counseling, getting some and things started to happen like this story that I was telling. And then another one that happened, I was in this busy coastal area and it was very busy.

[00:15:22] A lot of people by the beach. And I was looking for a place to pray for some reason this day. Again, I don't always look for a place to pray, but this day something was calling me. So I said, I'll just drive along the coastal road and see if I can find a place to pray. So I'm driving along the road and I come down this hill. There's this big opening that overlooks the ocean. So I said, I pulled my car down and I come walking up. And when I come walking up, there's this circular formation in the ground outlined with rocks.

[00:15:51] It was a labyrinth. Now, labyrinths have been used for thousands of years as spiritual tools, as for meditation and reflection. And a labyrinth has one way in and one way out. So I started walking through the labyrinth. And when I got to the center of the labyrinth, there's this little pile of rocks. And sticking out of the rocks is a crucifix of Jesus. And this overlooks the ocean and a lighthouse. And this lighthouse flashes one, four, three.

[00:16:20] The light flashes one, four, three, the pattern that says, I love you. That means I love you. So somebody was trying to tell me something. And doctor, this happened over a course of years. This doesn't happen. It's not like it's a. And what ended up happening is on September 12th, 1998, my birthday, I quit drinking and it's been 26 years since. Oh, congrats. And it wouldn't have occurred if I didn't take that first uncomfortable step. It's what it is.

[00:16:49] It's that uncomfortable step to go see someone like yourself. Facing up to yourself is the biggest journey. Once you've done that, you can move on, can't you? And whether it's religion or belief or spirituality or cognitive stuff, scientific stuff, whatever it might be, what matters, you find your thing, isn't it? That's really important. Whatever has resonance for you. That's right. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be spiritual. You can look at God, Allah, Buddha, the source, whatever you want to call it.

[00:17:19] Yeah. Jedi. Yeah. Just connect to that. And that's what I did. And it saved my life. Yeah, that's very good. So you've obviously taken us some to real heart and you've started to go out there and advocate and such like. I say on your site that you've got a TV series and a book. So tell me a bit about those two things. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. The book, which is named, I've named it Resilience, My Ultimate Superpower, Empowering Young Lives to Overcome Challenges.

[00:17:49] And the book goes along with my speech and my message to young adults and teenagers. And that is speaking up. One of the messages speaking up, because as we talked about, I didn't speak up and ask for help if you're struggling with anything, because 65% of kids that are struggling with whatever it may be, don't ask for help. Only 35% of teenagers ask for help when they're struggling.

[00:18:18] So we need to get better at that. Yeah. And the second thing that my message is about getting involved, as I said, being involved in sports saved my life. And it helped me develop character and skills and self-esteem. And the third thing that I talk about is embracing self-discovery, taking that first step out of your comfort zone, because that's how we learn about ourselves. That's how we get better.

[00:18:45] And when you do those three things, what you're doing is taking action, which then builds resilience. And resilience isn't just about bouncing back. It's about growing stronger in each challenge that we face. Yeah. So that's the message in my book, that it goes along with my speaking engagements. And the TV series that you mentioned is being written as we speak. It's going to be behind the curtain is what we're calling it right now. And it's being written.

[00:19:15] I don't know if you ever heard of the sliding doors or the butterfly effect, which is movies that are based on making a decision. Yeah. So the movie is going to be based on my decisions on, as an example, going to football practice or not. And yeah, and it's going to be a real life story. And about the years that I spent alone, those unsupervised years while my mother was doing shows with the singing and dancing priest.

[00:19:41] And so that's the TV series is going to be more about that. It's as opposed to the book, which is more geared toward my speaking engagements. I see. And if people want to find out more about you, Paul, where do they look? Yes, Dr. Russell, pd speaks dot com is the best place you can find all the information there about all my social sites are there, as well as the information on the book in the TV series, as well as my speaking business.

[00:20:07] So I appreciate the opportunity for allowing me to mention all of that, Dr. That's absolutely fine. That's lovely. And why do you think resilience is a superpower? Because if you when you build the resilience and when you overcome these challenges and you learn about yourself, you're building those challenges that I had early earlier on in life. So resilience is exactly about that. It's about the ability to get to the people of life, the domestic violence, to little to no food, to coming home from college to no home.

[00:20:36] Those things could have broken me, but instead they built up my resilience. And and the resilience that I built up earlier on in life helped me with later life's challenges, because life is challenging, as we know. And life is about how hard you get hit and keep going. So resilience is exactly about that. It's about the old Chinese proverb about getting falling down seven times and getting up eight. That's what it's about.

[00:21:06] It's about accepting the challenge, being flexible when we come across that challenge. If we're like we come into an adversity or challenge and we're stressed out and we're dead set in our mind, it's going to be a stressful situation. But if you're able to be flexible in your challenges, that helps you. It helps build that resilience. So resilience isn't something that you it's something that you gain throughout your life. It's not something that you're born with.

[00:21:34] Yeah, you have to develop resilience. Interesting. And I just wondered for the sake of and you don't have to answer this question. Tell me to mind your own business. But did you ever make peace with your father and mother? Yes, of course. Yeah, that's one thing that I learned in my growing. And when I did awaken it is to forgive. Yeah, you can't hold those. You can't hold those grudges because it only hurts you inside and holding those bad feelings.

[00:22:00] Yeah, I never. I never. Again, it was generational. You never know what was going on. I don't know what my father was, what was going on with my mother and the priest. Right. So you can't judge somebody else about that. So I don't let the actions of others bother me. I'm just looking for my actions, my reactions. Yeah, especially in today's world. That's really important. I mean, there's a lot of people who we could really take that need to take that message on board. It's really important.

[00:22:29] Yeah, most definitely. Yeah, don't let that. I always say don't let shit bother you. Yeah. Why? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I always say if somebody wants to act like an idiot or talk like an idiot or calls you an idiot or is an idiot. So what? It doesn't matter. Yeah, that's their business, isn't it? Yeah, that's exactly right. It's your choice. It's your way, not theirs. Yeah, you're saying all the magic words now. Brilliant. All right. That's pd speaks dot com. And it is.

[00:22:57] And the book is out early February and we'll stand by and wait for the television series. That sounds awesome. And I love that idea and the aspiration behind that. It sounds fantastic. And you've been a brilliant guest. So thank you for spending time with me today. Thank you so much for your time. You take care. Thank you. I hope you found that episode useful and entertaining. If you want to support our work, please go to resilienceunravel.com

[00:23:24] and you can become a member there as well. You can also send us a question there and even apply to do a podcast. You can also leave a review on Apple podcasts or any of the other podcast hosts of your choice, as well as getting hold of some useful resources about resilience and a whole lot more. Join us next time on the next edition of Resilience Unraveled. Resilience Unraveled. Thank you.