Debbie R Weiss – Maybe I Can

[00:00:00] Welcome to Resilience Unravelled. Hi everybody and welcome to Resilience Unravelled, a podcast

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[00:01:05] for Resilience Unravelled. So let's get started. Enjoy the show. Hi, welcome back to Resilience

[00:01:14] Unravelled and welcome today to my guest, Debbie Weiss. Debbie, good afternoon. How are you?

[00:01:20] I'm wonderful. What about yourself?

[00:01:22] I'm good. I'm good. And I'm saying it's afternoon, but I'm guessing for you,

[00:01:26] it's the morning somewhere. It is the morning. Monday morning. Monday morning. Whereabouts in

[00:01:31] the world are you? I am in New Jersey. Well, look, it's lovely for you to join us today. I'm really

[00:01:37] pleased that you did. Thank you so much. Maybe tell us a little bit about yourself, if you would.

[00:01:43] Sure. So I have been a family caregiver for most of my life. Started when I was 17. My dad had a

[00:01:52] massive stroke. He was only 46, just turning 46. And he survived. My parents soon divorced. And for the

[00:02:00] next 30 years, I became his primary caregiver. He didn't live with me, but he was my responsibility

[00:02:08] running all of his, where he lived, his finances, his insurance, anything and everything is doctors

[00:02:16] that you can think of. And then when my oldest son was born, he was diagnosed at two on the autism

[00:02:22] spectrum. And since then has added many other diagnoses, including ADHD, depression and anxiety.

[00:02:31] And then my husband, the last five years of his life also suffered from many physical and mental

[00:02:40] illness, including the anxiety, depression, and ADHD. And out of the blue, he was diagnosed with

[00:02:48] a blood cancer that was incurable for him. And so I was his caregiver as well until he passed away

[00:02:58] December 30th, 2022. So I've had a life of caregiving and always thinking about others, obviously not the

[00:03:08] life that I envisioned for myself while still doing all of the things working and I have a business and

[00:03:14] I have another son and all of that. Yes. What was the life you originally envisaged?

[00:03:21] That is a very good question. You know, I think I was so young, I can think what did I want when I

[00:03:29] was a little girl. And in my mind back then it was, you know, as often, at least little girls do,

[00:03:36] well, I'm going to be 27 when I get married. And then I'm going to be 29 when I have my first child

[00:03:42] and it'll be a boy. And then two years later, I'll have the girl. And I knew that I wanted to,

[00:03:47] you know, I was always good in math. I knew that I would always work. I wanted to be someone who worked,

[00:03:55] you know, I knew it would be with numbers. And it has been until recently.

[00:04:02] Wow. So, so that's really interesting, isn't it? And you'll know as well as I do that,

[00:04:06] the sort of phrase burnout was actually termed for mental health practitioners, nurses, caregivers,

[00:04:14] such like. And how have you avoided sort of burnout? How have you avoided that sort of

[00:04:21] situation of losing yourself in the way that you give care? What have you been able to do to avoid

[00:04:26] that? Well, I didn't avoid it for probably 25 or 30 years. Yeah. And I was burnt out and I was angry.

[00:04:36] I was resentful, you know, at my father really, even though obviously I knew he didn't ask to be in this

[00:04:44] situation, but I found myself always on edge, always angry and rushing to the next thing. And,

[00:04:52] and it would take the slightest thing to just set me off. I was, you know, a ticking time bomb.

[00:04:59] And it wasn't until I turned 50 and I went away, my girlfriends insisted on taking me away for a

[00:05:07] weekend to celebrate. And we did, we went to Bermuda and it was the first time in my adult life

[00:05:16] that I was really able to focus on myself. And through the course of our conversations there,

[00:05:23] you know, we talked about some old things and I thought to myself, did I used to like that? Was

[00:05:29] that the person who I was? And I realized that I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was other than,

[00:05:40] you know, the roles that I played as caregiver, mother, boss, you know, all the things, volunteer,

[00:05:46] whatever I was doing. And I had no idea who I was, what I wanted. I didn't know what I wanted,

[00:05:53] just like you asked. I didn't have a vision. It was just whatever life threw at me, that was my life,

[00:06:00] right? I just had to get through it and figure out how to do that until I got to the next thing. And then

[00:06:06] the next thing and the next thing. And I, I realized then that, you know, this mortality motivation

[00:06:13] idea that I really never thought of, but I, I saw it with my father and I do see it with my mother as

[00:06:20] well. That regret getting to the end of your life and thinking it went so quickly. I never did this.

[00:06:29] I never did that. And I knew at that point in time, I would also be the ones with regrets. And I

[00:06:36] realized if that, if I wanted that to change, I had to make it change. Nobody else was going to do

[00:06:44] that for me. And so the way you described your life is, it's actually, it's, it's sort of the,

[00:06:50] it's the epitome of resilience in a funny sort of way, which is this focusing on the next step,

[00:06:55] coping with the next challenge, keeping yourself focused, keeping your head down, almost the,

[00:07:01] the epitome of what's all pure resilience is, which is that ability to stand back and look and

[00:07:06] see where you're going and understand the context of what you're doing. But did you just find you

[00:07:10] lost yourself in the day to day? Is that how you got through?

[00:07:13] Oh yeah. You know, every day it was okay. What do I have to do today? Let me hand out the orders to

[00:07:19] my husband, my kids, you know, get to work, do all the, you know, all the same thing there and

[00:07:26] come home and, you know, whatever the after hour stuff was, it was just, yeah, it was just that daily

[00:07:32] grind with no end in sight. And no real, you know, of course I had moments of, of pleasure,

[00:07:42] you know, but for the most part, it was just putting my head down and plowing through.

[00:07:47] Yeah. And often the pleasure is lived through other people's achievements as well, isn't it? So

[00:07:52] you sort of get pleasure, but it's not always your own.

[00:07:55] Oh, definitely true.

[00:07:58] So often for people like you who are caught as caregivers, you almost don't get the chance to

[00:08:03] process your own grief. So in other words, you've had this experience with your husband, you don't,

[00:08:07] and often the situation you find yourself in with your child as well. How was that for you? How did you

[00:08:14] make that work? Or were you just again lost in that sort of day to day?

[00:08:17] Treadnought.

[00:08:18] Definitely lost in the day to day, you know, now after years of, of really trying to, you know,

[00:08:25] be introspective, I realized that, you know, I never really grieved the loss of my father while

[00:08:32] he was alive. Yeah.

[00:08:34] You know, even though he lived at 17, I lost the man who was my father.

[00:08:39] Yeah.

[00:08:40] You know, he did have, his speech was not affected. It was on his, you know, the stroke was on the other

[00:08:47] side of his brain. However, he changed, his personality changed, right? And our roles changed

[00:08:53] instantly at such a young age for me. And I never really grieved that loss while he was alive.

[00:09:28] Mm-hmm.

[00:09:31] Yeah.

[00:09:32] Yeah.

[00:09:33] You don't know the timeframe, but I wanted to prepare myself.

[00:09:38] Yes.

[00:09:39] Right? So I'm always thinking, well, what could happen? How long will it be? I'm Googling online.

[00:09:45] How, what is his lifespan really? You know, every minute that's what I'm trying to figure out. And

[00:09:51] I'm trying to prepare myself. And the minute he died, I thought, what an idiot. I, I can't, I can't,

[00:09:59] I, you know, it didn't matter that he was, he had not really been the man I married, you know, kind of

[00:10:06] like my dad for several years leading up to his cancer diagnosis. And I, it was the same thing.

[00:10:17] I had lost my husband while he was still alive.

[00:10:20] Yeah. So, I mean, you said an interesting phase earlier, which I'll come back to if it may, but

[00:10:26] what was your purpose in this? What was your, was there an ingrained sense of duty that you were

[00:10:32] brought up with that sort of kept you focused on this? Cause other, other people would have walked

[00:10:37] away. They would have done something different, but how come you're the person that stuck around and,

[00:10:42] and almost gave your life to everybody else? I mean, I'm not, that sounds a bit too selfless.

[00:10:47] And I know you've done other things for yourself. So when, you know, it's, you're not sitting there

[00:10:50] with this sort of saintly ring on the top of your head. But you know what I mean? What was it about

[00:10:57] your upbringing that created this sense of duty? I think so as a young girl and, and well into my

[00:11:05] adulthood, I was extremely insecure. I always had a weight problem and I would always hear, oh,

[00:11:13] she has such a pretty face, you know, meaning it's such a shame that the rest of her is, is ugly.

[00:11:20] And so I, I never wanted to be seen because every time that I was, I was always judged.

[00:11:28] And I, I had no voice. I mean, I couldn't go into a store and ask a question of someone who worked

[00:11:37] there. I couldn't go into, I had to send my brother. He was four years younger. He's eight

[00:11:41] years old. He's going in and like getting me a soda that I won't do. And I think looking back

[00:11:50] when my dad, you know, became sick and, and I was always daddy's little girl, we did have a very

[00:11:56] special bond. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was almost giving me purpose. It was like,

[00:12:03] oh, now I'm going to step up into this role. I'm going to be the hero. Not that I was really thinking

[00:12:10] that consciously, but I'm going to be the hero. And in retrospect, it really allowed me to find my

[00:12:16] voice because if my father needed something, I was learning to advocate for him where I would

[00:12:22] never do that for myself. Yes. You know, and with my husband, I have to say, you know, especially

[00:12:29] dealing with his mental illness, which for years, I didn't really understand that that was the driver.

[00:12:34] It was very, very difficult. I think that I stayed with him because I did love him. Number one.

[00:12:46] Yeah. Number two, my parents divorced, you know, my, my mom divorced my father after he got sick.

[00:12:54] There was history there that kind of led to that. It was, there's more that the story than that.

[00:13:00] And I know that she didn't do it on purpose, but her doing that gave me this responsibility with my

[00:13:07] father. And so I would never have done that to my own children because I know what that felt like,

[00:13:13] you know, and like I said, in the end, I, I still loved him. Yes. But it is, it is. Yes.

[00:13:23] Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Blimey. I'm, I'm truly impressed at that sort of, you know, depth of

[00:13:29] love, I must speak something to behold. So you mentioned the words, I think I heard you say

[00:13:37] mortality motivation earlier. Is that, is that a thing? Can you unpack that a bit for me?

[00:13:44] Yeah. I mean, maybe you remember the book by, and I can't think of her name other than Bonnie,

[00:13:50] um, the five regrets of, you know, of, of people who were dying and, and that really spoke to me,

[00:13:59] you know, thinking about how would I feel? How would I feel? And I saw, like I said, I saw my father

[00:14:07] who always, I should have, I could have, you know, why did this happen to me? I hear my mom say that

[00:14:15] kind of stuff too. And I get it. They're not the only two, believe it. You know, obviously many,

[00:14:21] many people feel this way and something about that number 50. And that was over a decade ago,

[00:14:27] cause I'm going to be 61 in a few weeks. Something about the number 50 was like, wow,

[00:14:34] there's a probability that more of my years are behind me than they are ahead of me.

[00:14:40] Yeah. And time is running out. If I don't want to be that person who lives with regrets,

[00:14:47] that doesn't mean I'll be successful at anything that I do. And again, I didn't know. It wasn't

[00:14:53] like I was a person who said, oh my goodness, I've always wanted to be a musician. You know,

[00:14:58] that's my hobby. That's my passion. That's my, no, I had nothing. I had no dream of being,

[00:15:05] doing, I didn't know what it was. And it kind of set me on this decade plus journey of

[00:15:13] discovering myself and learning that the journey itself, you know, is, yeah, it's amazing.

[00:15:21] So what was it like when you were 50? Just, just think yourself back into that point and everybody

[00:15:24] sits you down and, and, and you're sort of saying, well, I don't know who I am and what I, and this,

[00:15:30] it's, it's, it's quite a shocking realization that isn't it? And a lot of people,

[00:15:34] I don't know if, I don't know if it's a gender thing, but I've certainly in my own practice

[00:15:38] come across a lot of women who say that to me. I've lost myself. I've been a caregiver. I've been

[00:15:42] a mum or a, a this or that, all these sort of identities have been about everybody else.

[00:15:49] And it's that bit about saying, well, who am I and what do I want? And actually it's very hard

[00:15:54] to think like that. Some people say, well, I can't think like that because it seems really selfish

[00:15:57] to do this. So, I mean, was this the awakening for you or did you actually find a sense of purpose

[00:16:05] on that? I mean, I love Bermuda and I'm going there next, next month, next year. So I'm hoping

[00:16:11] I'll have the same revelation, but when, what was the, what was happening there? Did you get the

[00:16:17] answers there or did you actually just start to really understand the questions you asked to ask

[00:16:21] yourself? No, I didn't get the answers. I just thought I have to start somewhere. I have to start

[00:16:27] somewhere. Where do I start now for me? Like I said, I lived with a lifelong weight problem. It,

[00:16:35] it defined and still does to me, I think define who I am. And when I turned 50 and when I realized,

[00:16:45] okay, let me start here. I've got to work on this and I've got to figure this out.

[00:16:51] And when I went back, I've been in many diets, like those of us who struggle with weight,

[00:16:58] but Weight Watchers for me had always been the one. And I said, okay, I'm going to go back to

[00:17:02] Weight Watchers, but I don't really feel motivated. Like, here we go again. It's, you know, it's so

[00:17:08] hard because it's so, oh, it's just so depressing that you try and you do it and you lose. And then in a

[00:17:16] second you gain and you feel like such a loser, not the right kind of loser. So anyway, so I decided

[00:17:23] I'm going to go to Weight Watchers, but this time, instead of focusing on, I have to lose 25 pounds in

[00:17:32] three months or by my birthday or by the summer or whatever it is, I'm letting go of all of that.

[00:17:39] And I went back and I said, the only thing that I'm going to commit to is showing up to that meeting

[00:17:46] and sitting there in that meeting every week. That's it. No focus on what I'm eating exercises,

[00:17:54] none of it. And I did that for probably a couple of months. And then once I was comfortable with that,

[00:18:02] I had actually grown to enjoy the meetings, I added the next layer and through all of that,

[00:18:08] and I continued, you know, that kind of path. But what I really realized then was this is a lifestyle

[00:18:18] change. And now that word gets thrown around all the time. Back then it really wasn't. And it was that

[00:18:24] little switch that just kind of clicked in my brain that realized this is not on again, off again.

[00:18:34] This is not lose and gain, lose and gain. This is not you're a failure. You can never eat pizza and

[00:18:39] ice cream again. You have to, if this is what you want to be healthy, you've got to make a change and

[00:18:48] it's for the rest of your life. But that took the pressure off of me. I really, and let me say,

[00:18:55] I forgot to say at that point, I needed to lose a hundred pounds. So we're not talking about an

[00:19:00] insignificant amount of weight. I said, however long it takes. If I have days where I see something

[00:19:08] that I know I really shouldn't eat, but I want it, eat it and be done with it. Let it go.

[00:19:14] Yeah. And that mindset shift is what worked. And I think it took maybe three years for me to lose

[00:19:24] 90 pounds. Three years is a long time. Well, no, that's very good, especially as you clearly kept

[00:19:30] it off. And yeah. And so, and then that's the next part. I had never kept it off. Yeah. I gained

[00:19:39] back 10 pounds. Yeah. Maybe closer to 15, but I stopped it and I don't have that guilt anymore when

[00:19:48] I want to eat something that might've been considered bad. So I then took what I did with my mindset and

[00:19:58] said, well, wait a second. If it worked for weight, what else is there? And that's when I really started

[00:20:08] exploring. And actually it all started through listening to podcasts.

[00:20:13] Yeah. I think podcasts are revolutionary. And I'm guessing by now you must have your own, surely.

[00:20:19] My own podcast. I do.

[00:20:21] What's it called and how can people find it?

[00:20:23] It's called Maybe I Can.

[00:20:25] Very good. Very good. Ah, good. And so I'm sure you've written some books as well. So,

[00:20:31] because it will be, it's a fascinating story. I'm sure there's probably some self-help books and

[00:20:35] maybe a memoir or two. So tell me about those things.

[00:20:38] Yeah. So one of the things or the latest thing in the last couple of years in my journey of self-discovery,

[00:20:44] I discovered that I am not just a numbers girl. I guess I'm a words girl too. And through a podcast,

[00:20:54] I heard a woman who helped first-time authors get their stories out there because I have no idea how to

[00:21:00] write, how to write a book. How do you even do it? How do you publish it? How does it get it on Amazon?

[00:21:04] I didn't know any of it. And I didn't really think that I could write. And I just said, well,

[00:21:13] you don't know if you can, if you don't try. And I joined a group of 12 week group of women who were

[00:21:22] first-time authors and wanted to get their stories out there. Because when I realized that that's what

[00:21:28] I wanted to let other people know, hey, you can do this. If I did it, you can too. How am I going

[00:21:36] to tell them that? And that's where the whole book idea came into play. The group started

[00:21:46] after I found out that my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And I was going to not do it. I mean,

[00:21:55] I didn't know what we were in for. And this is not a time to all of a sudden try to learn how to

[00:22:00] write a book. And I actually spoke to my therapist and I said, oh, I'm embarrassed that I'm even saying

[00:22:06] this to you because it feels so selfish. And she said, nope, I totally disagree. I think that you

[00:22:14] need something separate from what's going on to focus on. And she was right. And I just made it a

[00:22:23] priority to write every day, to schedule time in, whether I was writing at six in the morning before

[00:22:30] my husband got up. If he was in the hospital, I'd bring my computer to the hospital. And when he was

[00:22:35] sleeping, I wrote there. And when he died, I was three chapters shy of finishing my memoir.

[00:22:42] Yeah. And I'm guessing, like a lot of people say that, giving time for yourself and your own

[00:22:48] self-care and your own self-interest makes you a better person, better around doing like that.

[00:22:53] But it also makes you a better carer as well, doesn't it? Because it gives you more capacity to be,

[00:22:58] you know, to be a bit, to be around a more better person. I'm lost with the English language on this,

[00:23:06] but you know where I'm going with this.

[00:23:07] Well, you become more present and tolerant. Like, you know, when I really learned about the

[00:23:13] idea of self-care, what, you know, before writing the book and really for me, it was setting boundaries

[00:23:18] and saying, no, I learned that was a form of self-care, not just the kind that we all think of,

[00:23:24] you know, go get a massage. It's so much more than that. And when I did start doing that,

[00:23:31] yeah, you know, my, I wasn't a ticking time bomb anymore. Right. I had the patience and was able

[00:23:38] to be present with my loved ones much more. So the book definitely, it was a huge help to write.

[00:23:50] And it's on Amazon, I see. And it's called Maybe I Can, did you say?

[00:23:54] It's called On Second Thought, Maybe I Can.

[00:23:56] On Second Thought, that's it. On Second Thought, Maybe I Can, Debbie Rice.

[00:24:00] And it's doing very well on Amazon. So that's good. That's where people can get a hold of it.

[00:24:05] But I've got to ask you this. And for people that we're not, you may be looking at this on video,

[00:24:09] more likely on a podcast. You are a person of pink. Let me just say this. Pink glasses,

[00:24:15] pink cloths behind, pink jersey, pink this, pink that. I mean, I'm a fan of pink,

[00:24:20] but where's this love of pinkness come from? Even the pink old fashioned telephone in the

[00:24:25] background. Look at that. I know. Isn't that so fun? I love that. Yeah, it's lovely.

[00:24:30] So, you know, it's so funny. Aren't we all like, obviously, we all have different sides to us.

[00:24:38] And I have this, I've always loved pink. I've always loved red. I've loved hearts, rainbow sprinkles.

[00:24:44] I love Mickey Mouse. You should see what I've got all over here.

[00:24:47] And it just little things like that make me happy. And you know, why not? Right? I mean,

[00:24:57] I got to be honest, I wore the pink for you. I do usually wear it every day. But here in the United

[00:25:05] States, it's football season just started our kind of football. And we my husband was a huge New York

[00:25:13] Jets fan. And so today is their first game. So after we're done, I'm taking it off and I'm putting

[00:25:19] my jersey on in his honor. What color? What color? Green. I don't like green. It's green. Yeah.

[00:25:25] Not my thing. Good for palm trees. So yes, that's a different kind of green. Yeah. Isn't it just?

[00:25:32] Well, Debbie, you're a fascinating person. I think people would love to find out more about you. So

[00:25:36] how would they do that? My website is the best place. It's Debbie R Weiss dot com. As Russell found

[00:25:44] out, you have to put in the R. Otherwise, you wind up with a realtor in California. Yeah.

[00:25:52] And and all sorts of interesting goodies on there, aren't there? There's books, there's journals,

[00:25:56] there's access your programs. You do all sorts of coaching and all sorts of stuff on there,

[00:26:01] don't you? And and you can access the podcast there, we're hoping. Is that true? Absolutely.

[00:26:08] And tell us a podcast. Tell us if we had to look through your list of podcasts, which is the one

[00:26:13] that we should start with first? That I listen to? That that we should listen to of yours?

[00:26:21] Oh, of my episodes, I think start at the beginning, because the beginning, you know,

[00:26:26] you at least get to know me and and where I came from and where I got maybe I can from and

[00:26:33] all of that.

[00:26:34] Very good. Well, actually, it's been a delight talking to you today. And I'm sorry, you're going

[00:26:39] to have to take the pink off now and and subsume yourself in a nasty shade of green. And I just like

[00:26:47] to say I'd like to take the credit for allowing you to have more pink time. So that's a very good thing.

[00:26:51] Thank you.

[00:26:51] But thank you for spending time with us today, Debbie. It's been absolutely lovely. And I think

[00:26:56] you've got lots of interesting tips and tricks. And that site again was Debbie R. Weiss dot com

[00:27:01] and books are available on Amazon and all good websites. And there's a ton of interesting stuff.

[00:27:06] And all I'm going to say is this when you get on the site, just check out those glasses,

[00:27:09] because those glasses are in front of me as well as we speak. So thank you for spending time with

[00:27:15] us today, Debbie.

[00:27:16] Thank you for having me. It's been a delight.

[00:27:18] You take care.

[00:27:21] Hi, thanks for listening. Hopefully that was a useful and interesting episode.

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[00:27:51] page. And you, of course, can send us questions, ideas, thoughts, conversations and fresh subjects

[00:27:59] at info at qedod.com. Hopefully there's something there for you. Catch you next time around.

[00:28:07] Thanks.